It’s only recently that I’ve started to use exercise as a tool to combat my depression/anxiety. When I was in college I ran to lose weight. Then I ran to get in shape for a hike my husband and I wanted to do. Then I ran to get out of the house because I felt trapped as a sah mom. Then I ran to try to lose weight again. It’s interesting the different motivations throughout the years. I noticed my mood was better when I exercised regularly, but I didn’t use it specifically for that purpose. Now as I’m in my late 30’s, I feel like the valleys of my depression are deeper than they ever were. Possibly partially because as a mother I absorb the pain of my children, possibly because life is not what I expected it would be, possibly because adulting is hard. Possibly all of that and more. I have especially been struggling these past two weeks, and it’s all I can do to get out of bed and not cry at my desk in the office. Every day I contemplate calling in sick and spending all day in bed.

The other day I did cry at my office. It was awful for many reasons, but one is that I have a little closet sized space off the hallway, and I don’t have a door. So as I sit ugly crying at my desk, everyone can see and hear me. I actually went outside the back door, which opens into the parking lot for a pain management office. Little old people pulling up with their handicap stickers and walking by with their walkers, pretending not to notice the fat girl crying on the back porch. It was awesome. I pulled my shit together and finished out the day, and then I went to yoga.

Yoga is amazing. I walked in after having pretty much my worst day in the past 6 months, and after 60+ minutes of vinyasa and breathing, I feel human again. It doesn’t make the awfulness go away, but it puts things in perspective and makes it manageable. I still have a huge weight on my soul, but yoga helps me chip away at it piece by piece, strengthening my core so that the weight is bearable. On days when I’m ready to walk away from everything, yoga puts on the brakes until I can reconsider in the light of day, unshadowed by my resident demons. And this is now why I exercise, and why I won’t apologize for being the fat, sweaty girl in spandex at the gym, for being the slowest one at the race, for still doing modifications at yoga. Exercise helps keep me sane, so keep your negativity to yourself.