As I’ve mentioned before, I’m trying to do a sprint triathlon this summer. The group informally trains together every Wednesday, swimming and biking and running the course. For the last few weeks I’ve come and swam 1/2 way across the lake (1/4 mile, about the distance I will need to swimming for the tri), then did a shortened bike loop of 8 miles and walked a mile after that.

The full loop is 13 miles, and it includes a 2.5 mile straight incline in three parts, called the three legged dog. After several successful partial loops (which has a much smaller incline) , and the addition of my clip on shoes (magic shoes), I decided to give the whole loop a try. I stressed about it the whole day. I got there, told everyone what I did doing, and two people offered to ride it with me. The smaller loop breaks off of the bigger loop. As soon as I passed the turnoff for the smaller loop, I rounded the corner and came upon a steep hill. I made it up, barely, but had to stop at the top to catch my breath. My friends stopped with me. I immediately regretted my decision to try the whole loop, but I was determined to finish anyway. After that I kept going, and I came to a realization. Of course going up these hills means eventually you go down hills as well. Going up bigger hills means going down bigger hills. Logical. But just as I am afraid I’m not going to make it up the hills, I’m also scared of going too fast down other hills. I have never been an adrenaline junkie, as I’ve said before I don’t have a great sense of balance or strength, and while I have a high pain tolerance, I don’t like getting hurt. As a medical professional and a mom, I also have a strong sense of my own mortality. I nearly panicked and fell behind on the downhills as well. Definitely had a few moments where I thought, wtf am I doing here? I don’t belong here.

Then I rounded the corner to THE hill. Struggled up the first leg. In the middle of the second leg my thighs were on fire. I was in what I thought was my lowest gear, barely moving forward, breathing so hard my teeth hurt. I finally had to stop, and of course I couldn’t get my damn shoes unhooked. My friend Katie managed to catch me before i fell, and she walked with me up the second part of the hill. She pointed out that this is an insane hill, and also that I was still in a higher gear in my front gear, which could have stopped me from making it up. We got to the top of the second leg, and I got back on the bike. I made it up the third leg, and rounded the corner to applause. It took me 1:20 to make it 13 miles. Some people made it in under 50. I felt defeated. The past few weeks my training had been going so well, I was working so hard, and I was totally taken down by this fucking hill. Everyone else can ride the damn course, why can’t I? I felt as fat and out of shape and unathletic as ever. I cried on the way home.

Then my friend Mary reminded me that I can get stronger, the hill is just a hill. And she reminded me that, while everyone I see is riding the course, the vast majority of people are not even attempting it. I got back on the bike and finished the ride. I didn’t quit or call for a pick up. Next time I’ll make it farther. Everyone starts somewhere, but you have to start. Next time, Hill, I’m coming for you.