I do too much. As a mother with a full time job outside the home, also trying to work out, this is just the way it is. Normally I can keep up the grueling pace, but usually 1-2 times a month I crash. Today I crashed hard, with a migraine that crept in throughout the day, and sent me to bed right after work.

Let me set the stage: I’m a mom of two boys, a healthcare provider working over full time in the middle of a pandemic, and on top of this I’m trying to fit in workouts. Normally I sacrifice sleep and family time in order to exercise. Something has to give, and my job hours and quantity of work are NOT flexible. However, today it was not to be.

This week I am dragging hard. I’m on my period and mentally I am in a deep depression. I got bad news about a friend of mine, my husband is supposed to be heading back to work, we are scrambling to figure out how our children are going back to school part time and how we possibly going to get child care. I say we, but we all know mothers are the planners, the organizers. My husband would cut off his own foot before he asked anyone for help, and he would expect me to do the same. My swim Monday was shit, making me feel like I’m going backwards in my training. I asked my mother (who is retired) to come from Seattle to help with HER ONLY grandchildren while we figure out what we are doing, and she said no. I haven’t talked to her in two weeks, I feel so betrayed, disappointed, forsaken, devastated; I’m not looking for sympathy or solutions, but that’s where I am, and that’s what led to the migraine that took me down.

My body put both feet down full stop and said,”no more!” My brain pounded through my skull. I wandered around in a fog, and it was all I could do to push through my work day, get home and crawl into bed with my meds and my water. Since I need to prioritize, Exercise is what I usually count as my “self care.” But sometimes your body doesn’t need exercise, sometimes it needs rest. I was supposed to run 30+ minutes, 2.5 miles, but my body said a hard no. It made me listen. No means no. I slept off and on for 10 hours, and woke up feeling hung over, but pain free. Ready to start again.

Usually exercise helps exorcise the demons, but sometimes rest is just as important. Be kind to yourself, love yourself, even when you don’t feel beautiful, even when you don’t look perfect, even when you can’t do the 0.5 mile swim without stopping, even when everyone passes you on the bike. I give myself permission to be sad, to mourn, to rest, and I will not apologize for it.