Growing up, I was taught that any good deed you do was part of your daily work. You don’t get praise and thanks for giving presents or making meals or doing chores. This is what you are expected to do. Of course I got in trouble if I didn’t do it, because it was my job. Maybe this has what has made me so hungry for praise and validation. But I digress.

Fast forward to my early 20’s. I meet my future husband, and his family operated similarly, but they wrote thank you notes. A note for every single Christmas present. Every meal. Every thing done by someone outside of the ‘inner circle.’ Of course you don’t write thank you notes to your spouse or your children. But why not? We will revisit this later. So I dutifully bought a pack of thank you notes, and got to work. It was exquisitely painful. And even more painful was repeatedly prodding my husband to do it. So this action gradually fell to the wayside and I went back to my former method of thanking someone in person or via phone call, and assuming this was good enough.

Fast forward to now. I try to always be helpful in times of illness or trouble. Whether it be putting together meals or cheer up boxes or cards, donating time or money. If I can’t organize it myself, I at least find someone who can. If someone needs help, I will rearrange everything to get it done. In high school a friend accused me of being too self-focused and needy, and this has made me ultra aware of the need to do things for other people, to not be seen as the soul-sucker of the group. As an only child, it’s sometimes hard to be group-focused, I have to make an effort. But I want to be seen as an asset, not a liability.

Recently, tables have turned and I am unable to do anything. ANYTHING. I can’t cook, I can’t drive, I can’t exercise, I can’t go for walks. I am now the energy drain. Now people are bringing me meals and sending me meal gift cards, making me special crutch bags, giving me rides, calling to check on me. I’m overwhelmed with the generosity and kindness of my community. My husband, who will do anything to help anyone, hates to ask for help from anyone. HATES it like Gollum hates Frodo. He gets awkward and doesn’t know what to do. Like me, he was raised to help others. However, he was taught never to ask for help from anyone, and needing help makes him feel uncomfortable. I’ve tried to present the Pay-it-forward idea, that we help someone and someone else helps us, and this kindness is what makes us decent humans. And along with this, I have brought back the thank you cards.

After Christmas I got a very sweet, thoughtful thank you note from a friend for a gift. I love getting mail, and her note brightened my day. However, she doesn’t have the insanity of children and I did have the uncharitable thought (excuse) in my head that ‘of course she writes thank you notes because she has the time. I’m too busy for that.’ Well, I have nothing but time now little miss smart-aleck! As I sat down to write notes to everyone who has helped us so far, this time the words rolled off my pen. It wasn’t a trite thank you for an expected holiday present, it was a sincere appreciation of the time and effort it took for each act of service. My frozen heart warmed with each letter I wrote, glad to be able to express my gratitude and hopefully bring some joy to my friend community. This is the value of the thank you note. Not to fulfill a societal or familial expectation, not because of a debt, but to truly recognize the work and effort of others.

Rewind to when I was a small child. My mother was very ill when I was a child, in and out of hospitals, even transferred up to the Mayo Clinic for 6+ weeks for surgery. When she came home she was very weak and had a huge open belly wound she needed to pack with gauze every day. My father did everything, house, laundry, meals. My mother’s parents helped a lot, but there was a huge burden on him. He told me later that my mother never said “thank you” for taking care of her, and this was the beginning of the separation process. I have three responses to this: 1) I have no idea how accurate this really is, and how much was my father making excuses for his behavior. 2) as a spouse, this is expected of you. You don’t get a thank you for doing your job. 3) now I’m in this predicament, and my spouse is feeling overwhelmed. If I don’t say thank you enough to him, will he feel unappreciated and leave me? let me say that I don’t think logically that this will really happen. However my emotional mind can easily become frantic, and (from the first paragraph) I do wonder why we don’t write thank you letters to our spouses? If anything, their thoughtfulness and laboring should mean the most, it is they who toil daily to make the household function. Yes a pan of lasagna is helpful, but it doesn’t get the laundry done and the kids put to bed. Teamwork is essential, and when one member of the team is out, and the other has to step up to shoulder the burden, that work should be recognized and appreciated. The idea behind this is then that spouse will continue to feel loved and valued, instead of just feeling overwhelmed. Everyone needs a little bit of grace. We all know that things don’t always work out as planned, but these are my thoughts on gratitude on a snowy Saturday.