Today is our crazy small town’s annual ‘frozen 50k.’ Last year I didn’t run, because at that point in my life I wasn’t running on a regular basis. This year I’m not running because I’m benched. This is officially the first event I’m missing because of my knee. I did not realize how much it would bother me not be able to participate. It’s cold and grey, the road is icy, and it starts at 8 am. If I was running, I would be bitching and complaining about all of these. Now that I can’t run, I’m holding back tears.

It started earlier this week, when I offered to volunteer. It’s a very low key event, no time keeping or race numbers or anything, not much need for volunteers. However, I wanted to stay involved and keyed in, thinking that if I kept up with the group it would encourage me to keep my momentum. Also everyone wants to help with races in the summertime, with the sunshine and good weather. It’s harder to find volunteers in February. They said to show up at 7 and all the pancakes I can eat.

Then my friends started talking about what they were running. And the route. And what the weather would be. And then I got my second covid shot, and I was LAID OUT all of Thursday, feeling like absolute trash. Then my period started Friday, 5 days early again. I was so angry and irritable, worse than normal PMS, and I couldn’t figure out why. It’s so strange how I can be upset about things that I don’t even realize are upsetting me. Then I saw a Facebook post about the race, and it felt like a knife in the chest. I felt like my ribs were flayed open and my heart was bleeding. I cried off and on for hours. I thought about calling the organizers and backing out, saying it was too painful to watch other people run when I couldn’t. I was scared to death I would start sobbing at the shotgun start and embarrass myself further. The poor, fat invalid, whining because she can’t run.

Then I laid in bed and listened to a book on tape, trying to fall asleep. I in no way want to push any religion on anyone, and I have no intention of saying anything except I’ve found what works for me. This is not a debate. I was listening to a book by Rachel Held Owens called,”Searching For Sunday.” In it she talked about a prayer as she lit a candle,”may this light the darkness within me.” And I felt it warm me. I said the Hail Mary a few times, feeling the female power wash over me. I’m not Catholic, but I’ve always loved the Hail Mary prayer, loved the focus on the female. I asked the goddess, the maiden/mother/crone to give me the strength to do this. I fell into a restless sleep and woke up at 5:45, ready to drive and pass out shirts.

The fire hall in Cassadaga NY was cold and dark at 7 am. I propped up my leg and watched people sign in, passing out shirts as they grabbed their goody bags, stretched, complained about the weather, made their last bathroom trips, debated layers and types of shoes. There’s a camaraderie in shared misery, in undergoing something wretched together. Even when it’s self inflicted, when one pays money to participate, there is a kinship of insanity and suffering. And I was on the outside. I felt the shell of protection harden around my heart, and I deliberately separated myself from this. I wished everyone luck, and sat down to eat my pancakes and drink my coffee. I lingered around for a while, waiting to see if anyone I knew would stop in for a bathroom break or a drink, but ultimately I left before they came back. Retrospectively this was for the best, because watching the victory over the adversity of the weather and the distance would have only worked as a hammer to my newly formed shell. This sounds heartless, but sometimes survival is just that. I didn’t cry at the event, which was my main goal.

And I’ve learned something about myself: I’m not a good bench sitter. This sucked. I went home and cried. Then later, when the same friends cancelled other plans due to weather, I cried more. What I realized is that I have nothing to work towards, nothing to look forward to. That has been my main coping technique, always my tactic to get me through, make plans in the future and work towards that goal. Well 1) this is the age of Corona and nothing in certain, 2) I can’t workout towards a race or an event, 3) I can’t travel, 4) nothing is changing anytime soon. I can’t seem to get myself worked up about ‘walking’ being my goal. Not only do I have nothing to look forward to, but now I have to watch while everyone else continues to participate and improve. I need to work on my bench sitting attitude; in other lights and in other times, I will 100% cheer on anyone and everyone, but right now I can’t even cheer on myself. On a side note, the pancake was delicious.