As with the previous post, I’m not here to preach to anyone, these are just my thoughts on the matter. I firmly believe that things happen for a reason. Not all the little things, like the weather today, or losing socks in the dryer. But the big things, like international moves or blowing ones knee out, for example.

I realize also, that I am not handling this well. This also indicates to me with big flashing letters that this is happening to me for a reason. Even without the sense of a larger purpose or an all powerful being, there’s a distinct possibility that there is a life lesson, or two, or three, that I could/should learn from all of this.

Unfortunately, I am a terrible student. Not in the traditional sense. I can memorize and regurgitate with the best of them. But for this to be a life changing situation, something that I walk away from in a year as a different woman… Well that’s a different story. Like most people, I resist change like Trump resisted election results. I’m comfortable in my rut, it’s easy and familiar. Change is wierd, it’s uncomfortable and awkward. It takes time and self reflection, and I don’t always like what my reflection looks like. Easier to just snuggle in.

Then, when a huge force comes along that demands change, it hurts. It hurts sometimes physically, like my knee, or childbirth. And it hurts emotionally, as evidenced by my previous posts. No matter how much one rants and rages against the force, it is still happening.

I’m sure that patience is definitely one of the lessons I need to get from this. This is a reoccurring theme in my life, everything in it’s own time. I am not patient, and as my life progresses and I look at my life, patience is a theme. Travelling requires patience. Moving requires patience (9 times in 14 years). Children require patience, the upmost patience, and ASD kids even more patience. Marriage requires patience. Just when I think I’ve learned the patience lesson, my knee comes along. Reflecting on all of this, I’ve learned patience in spades with everyone and everything else, but I rarely apply this to myself. Interesting. Something to think about…

I know if I take my meds and meditate and distract myself and use all my coping skills from years of therapy, it will be better. And most days it is better. But some days the dark waves of depression roll over me with a painful, soothing rhythm, and it’s easier to slide into the depths of despair instead of army crawl out of the trench. Exercise used to help. When I exercised every day, the dark days weren’t as frequent or as dark. One day I’ll be able to exercise again. Until then, I need to tread through the seductive darkness.