Growth is optional. I heard this the other day and it struck home for me. These past few weeks I’ve been making slow slow progress. I have been able to ride my bike, doing 20 minute recovery rides 3 times a week. Last week I started swimming, and oh the bliss! The pool brings a level of peace, a combination of meditation and exertion that soothes me like no other activity. I’m an Aries but born on the cusp with Pisces, and I have always been drawn to water.

Some weeks it feels like we as a family are scraping by, living day to day by the seats of our trousers. Some weeks I have it all together. This is the first week since The Fall that I feel like it’s finally somewhat together. Sunday I did 4 loads of laundry, prepped 3 meals for the week, made sure both kids got to and from skiing, watched church on fb, and zoomed with old friends from Iceland. It felt so good to finally be back doing my regular activities.

And I rode my bike for 20 minutes. As I churned the pedals at the low resistance and moderate speed, I felt somewhat irritable with my knee and the whole situation. It’s beyond frustrating to go from running and biking every day to barely walking. Sometimes the pain still wakes me up, and the joint itself feels tight and strange. It does not feel like my knee, like part of my body. Then the class instructor reminded us to be kind to ourselves, and she said, “if you want to give 200%, you need to learn to give 50%.“ and I thought,”yes.” I am very good at helping everyone else go at their own speeds, I am not good at allowing myself what I need. Right now, I need to go at 50%, and this will be my speed for several months, and that is ok.

Change is inevitable; my knee is jacked up whether I want it to be or not. I can continue to rail against the unfairness and the frustration of the situation, the pain and the loneliness. Or, I can embrace it, draw all of the awkward feelings towards me. Accept them for what they are, acknowledge them, and let them teach me, and help me grow. Growth is optional, but it seems like the option I should choose.