My kids had their first day of school today. My eldest is starting high school, which I still haven’t actually processed in my brain. My younger one just started third grade. I’m terrified. Terrified that he’ll have another bad year and he’ll hate school, terrified that he’ll melt down and hit another student, terrified that he won’t have any friends. I dread those phone calls that make my heart go cold, about how he misbehaved again. He was excited to go this morning, for which I was very glad. I took the day off work because I wanted to drop him off and pick him up, and i knew i would worry all day. I made it through drop off and cried all the way home. Not because i’m sad he’s growing up, but because i’m so scared for him.

So how do I flip this? When i got home, I did a quick spin class, and the instructor said something interesting. She was encouraging us to work harder, and she said, “not everyone can do it, but you can.” And i thought, ‘I’m so grateful that i can do this.’ A year ago i was still recovering from knee surgery and was still pretty gimpy. I was doing 20 minute recovery rides and taking ibuprofen the next day. Now i can push myself as hard as I can on the bike, and the only thing holding me back is me. The exercise helps me get out the fear and anxiety, and leaves me feeling much better. I’m grateful for a job that gives me time off so I can work out my anxiety and worry and stress. The circumstances don’t change, but it helps me change how I feel about them.

I’m heading out soon to pick up my younger one from his first day. I am hopeful he will hop into the car full of life, telling me about his amazing first day. When you are looking to the future, everything is possible and nothing is decided.