A group that I’ve loosely associated myself with, has started a swim school. They meet every monday, at 6 am, there’s a coach and a lifeguard and all the things. I am the fattest person there. I am the slowest person there. I am the worst swimmer there. BUT I want to get better, and they let me come, and if anyone makes fun of me, they don’t do it to my face.

The water was freezing, the showers were freezing, and for every 200 yards everyone else swam, I did 150. But I showed up and I did it.

Then afterwards it was chaos. It turned into a ‘give a mouse a cookie’ situation. I got in my car and I was feeling bad about myself, and I was worried about my 8 year old. This was because he had a meltdown last night and I was worried that if he woke up and I wasn’t there, he would think it was because of the meltdown. Then as I was downward spiraling I realized I never took my morning medicine because I left my house in a half asleep haze at 5:35. I intended to go straight to work, but now I had to run home, if I didn’t want to be an emotional wreck until lunchtime. Home I go, running inside with my boots and coat still on. After living in places where wearing shoes inside is akin to manslaughter, it is physically painful to wear shoes into my house, let alone soggy winter boots. Then i had to hug my eight year old and play with him and assure him that I loved him very much, throw my pills down my throat, and head to my office. There I make my breakfast shake and my tea, and go to put on my makeup. Once I get in the bathroom I realize I left my cc moisturizer at home. basically 1/2 my makeup, and the moisturizer for my poor face that just spent an hour in the pool. I end up using my hand cream on my face (who makes up these rules about what lotion can go where?) and dust on some powder, and cross my fingers that I won’t have a major breakout by this evening.

Even though I was the worst person in the pool, I was still better than every other person who didn’t show up. I’m learning good techniques and breaking bad habits. Even though I forgot things and missed things, I still managed to get to work and ready before my first patient walked in. I’m grateful for an inclusive group where I can swim, and if people judge, they keep it to themselves. Yes I still worry about my child, but this is not always within my control. If I work on focusing on the present and not worrying about what I can’t fix right now, then I can be grateful for a group of active friends who challenge me to be more active. Already signed up for next week.

Incidentally I am also signed up for a spin class tonight. I’m not sure if I can pull this off, but I’m hoping they are far enough apart that I can recover somewhat in between. Here goes nothing!