I am not an athlete. I never played any sports in junior high up until now. I don’t compete because I know I’ll lose. I do things to make myself stronger, I do things to prove to myself I can, I do things to be healthy, and to be around for my kids when they’re older. I am never going to be fast, I am never going to be anything but last.

That being said, I am trying to get better, hence the class. The class where i’m always the last one. That’s a hard pill to swallow any time, on any day, let alone at 6 am on a monday. This morning was particularly hard to get out of bed. My mom was here all week and she left. My kids have been off on school break all week and now have to go back to school. My youngest is autistic and does not always do well with change, so i was feeling extra bad about not being there this morning. It’s cold outside. I’m about to start my period. All the reasons to not show up today. But I showed up.

And it was hard. we did sprints, and i’m not a sprinter. We worked on breathing. I like breathing, but in swimming, breathing is the enemy. Breathing takes extra time, it ruins your form, it adds extra drag, it ruins your timing. Let me say it again, I love breathing, breathing is my favorite. When I get out of breath, like most fat people, I sound like a wheezing freight train. Add water and the need to regulate my breathing, and it’s kind of a panic situation. Coach wants us not to breathe as much. He says it’s all a mind game, we don’t need to breathe as much as we think we do. Hmmmm, tell that to my panicking brain and lungs, begging for oxygen.

In spin class, or when i’m swimming by myself, when i get more out of breath i just slow the pedal strokes down, or slow the arm rhythm down, or whatever. When i’m in this group, where we are all leaving the wall together, everyone can see me coming back, slow and last. They’re all done, all waiting on me. If there was one thing being a child of divorced parents taught me, or being married to my husband, for that matter, is that you should never make anyone wait on you. Never. The rudest thing you can do is take up space. The goal is invisibility. Be ready so that when everyone else is ready, they are not waiting on you. They don’t even know you’re there, they can just go. This class makes me do the opposite of that, and I think that’s why this is so hard for me.

Knowing this, recognizing this, doesn’t make the feelings go away, but it does give them context. It’s the first step to controlling them, and not letting them control me. Today i’m grateful for the opportunity to swim with this group. I’m grateful for a coach who encourages and instructs, without constantly singling me out as the failure, or yelling at me. I’m grateful for all the improvements that I’ve made, because as slow as I am, I’m still stronger and faster than 5 weeks ago. I’m grateful for a husband who gets the kids ready so I can swim. I’m grateful that i can swim, because two years ago it was not a guarantee that I was going to be doing any of this again. Trying for gratitude. Change the mindset.