As I was spinning away on my home version of a fake peloton (my fake-a-ton as i call it, cheaper basic spin bike with my phone streaming the peloton app), the workout was almost done. The instructor was revving us up for the last hard push, and I was sweating and huffing in true spin fashion. Then the instructor said something that resonated deep within me. She said,”You can do hard things. Somewhere out there is an alternate version of yourself who can’t do the hard things you can do.”

This hit hard for a few reasons. When I exercise, I feel like an imposter. I don’t look fit, I don’t come from a family of athletes, I’m slow, I’m fat, etc. This idea that there is another me out there is true. I’m the one trying to infiltrate the fit and healthy groups, when really i want to sit on my ass with a good book and some snacks and wine. That is the doppelgänger Elizabeth. The one who can’t finish a spin class, who can’t swim 2,000 yards, who can’t hike 4 miles in the woods. She’s inside me as well, and she is why I feel like a poseur every time I get on my bike, every time I get in the pool.

There’s the story of two wolves, the one who wins is the one you feed? I’m not trying to demonstrate cultural appropriation, i’m trying to explain what happens inside me. Sometimes the other Elizabeth wins. Sometimes I sleep in, sometimes a pandemic hits and I don’t work out for months. Sometimes my knee gets busted and I give up. Sometimes I binge eat half my cupboards.

BUT not now. now I’m swimming or spinning 5 days a week. I’m getting stronger so i can do hard things, like swim the circumference of a lake in a half ironman, or ride my bike 44 miles around our lake, or actually do a sprint tri this summer since i’ve been benched the past year. All goals for this summer. Is this who I am? Hard to say, but here I am doing it nonetheless, so apparently this is some version of me? And I will continue to feed her exercise and water and nachos and wine, and stay tuned for what happens next.