I’ve said it before, I don’t do well with waiting. Now it’s the day before my ortho follow up, and I’m waiting. My stomach is churning, I’m exhausted from actually working in the office today, and I had a beer and a melatonin. I should be crashed out in bed. Instead I’m worried what they are going to tell me tomorrow. 4 more weeks of therapy? I don’t think I could do it, I will go insane. How long does it take to schedule surgery? What’s the recovery? I hate not knowing.

As a medical professional, I come to the table with more base knowledge than the average injured person. I’m not sure if this then makes it harder for me to not know? Then there’s my boss and scheduler, who have been very patient and accommodating, but clearly would like to be able to plan a schedule as soon as I know. Then there’s my mother, who wants to fly in from Seattle, but can’t plan her time off or her flight until we know. All of this pressure weighs on me, all of these people wanting to know. The lack of knowledge is uncomfortable.

I ‘graduated’ from PT last week. My DPT told me that I was doing very well, that he was impressed with the progress I had made. I have to say that I am pretty pleased as well. I’m swimming and bike riding, I’m doing squats and wall sits and light weights, and I’m walking without crutches. I still can’t run, I’m still unsteady. I’m terrified of ice, with flashbacks of my knee flailing away from my body every time I gingerly and tentatively step onto an icy surface. Overall considering 6 weeks ago I couldn’t put weight on my knee at all, it’s relieving to be moving as much as I am. It takes courage and risk to push myself out of my comfort zone, to try exercises I’m not sure I can do. It’s painful to find some activities still hurt (planks, warrior poses, anything on my knees, dismounting the bicycle the wrong way), and thrilling to find new things I can do (downward dog, chair pose, single leg balance). It’s slow going, trial and error, but improvements are being made. I’ve worked as hard as I could in this past month, I just have to know that and hope it was enough. I am enough.